I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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