I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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