I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
