I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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