im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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