you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
