I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
