if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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