I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
