Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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