Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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