seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Actions speak louder than pants.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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