yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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