I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
