i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize