I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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