Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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