i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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