Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I met the friendliest cop last night
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
well you can't waste a boner
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
