I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
