I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
