I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
