they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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