If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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