I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
