You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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