where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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