It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
