found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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