You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
