My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
