1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
