I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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