I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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