girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
being pregnant is like rehab
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
