____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
