How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
