im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
