The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
