I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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