Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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