please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
