I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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