My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
