My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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