Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
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He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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