Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
