Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
