I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
