we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
