Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
