i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
