At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
