I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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